The Toad and Sheep Show
Cannon: 4th Season.
Rating: PG (an adult concept, but nothing bad)
Summary: Mr. Gorpley tricks Balki into thinking that he and Larry would be helping at a party to raise money. Larry & Balki soon learn who the money is really going to... & exactly what they have to do to get the money.
Disclaimer: I personally think that Mark & Bronson are very handsome &, well, this idea sorta stemmed from the "Sunshine Boys" episode & their little awkward disrobing moment. This is in no way meant to be disrespectful (& if they ever find out about this, I'll renounce everything ;-). Remember, this is written all in good fun. Oh, yeah, & I don't own these characters, nor the idea behind the episode "The Dog & Pony Show" from the "Drew Carey Show."
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The Chronicle's mailroom. Balki is whistling an unknown tune while shining one of the mail carts. Larry is no where in sight.
The door to Gorpley's office opened and he came out, that "I get to fire someone today" smirk on his face. He walked up to Balki. "Bartokomous, what are you doing? You sort mail, you don't buff the carts."
"I know that, Mr. Gorpley, but I finish with the mail and didn't want to sit around like a bump on a toad, so I figure I'll polish the cart," Balki explained.
"Then I'll make sure to find you more mail," Gorpley replied, then turned to leave, but turned back. "Bartokomous, you don't, by chance, have plans for this Saturday night, do you?"
Balki considered the question. "Should I?"
"Well, there's this party--" Gorpley began.
"Oh, I love parties!" Balki interrupted. "My favorite game is bobbing for pig snout."
"Not quite that type of party. This is better. Some friends of mine are throwing it to raise money for those less fortunate." Gorpley's grin became more devious. "We were thinking you and Appleton would help us out."
"Of course, we'll help you out, don' be ridiculous!" Balki agreed.
"Great," Gorpley said, pulling out a slip of paper from his shirt pocket. "Here's the address."
Balki took the slip of paper. "Do you want for us to bring anything?"
Gorpley seemed to hold back a laugh. "Everything you'll need will be there." He turned and went back to his office.
Balki looked at the slip of paper. "I do'n know why everyone calls Mr. Gorpley a slime ball." He turned and spotted Larry coming in from his assignment. "Cousin, I have great news!"
Larry gave him a pained look. "I hope it's great news."
"Morning not go well?"
"Let's just say that I would have almost rather have eaten pig snout or some other Myposian delicacy." Larry sat heavily in his chiar.
Balki took a seat of the corner of the desk. "This is sure to cheer you up, Cousin. We are invited to a party Saturday night to help raise money."
Larry's brow arched in consideration. "Well, Balki, that sounds nice enough. What will we be raising money for?"
"Those less fortunate," Balki replied.
"Okay. So, who invited us?"
Larry's eyes widened. "Gorpley? And you accepted? Are you crazy?"
Balki looked indignant. "Of course, I accept, it sound like fun."
"Balki," Larry pressed two fingers to his temples and rubbed at the headache that was threatening, "Gorpley has an ulterior motive. He either wants something or we'll end up being made fools of. Either way, I don't like it."
""But, Cousin, it might be fun."
"Fun and Gorpley do not go together." Larry paused. "Beside,s, you agreed to it for both of us without asking me first."
"Cousin, I want go to the party!" Balki said, louder.
"I want go to the party!" Balki pleaded, grabbing a handful of the collar of Larry's sport jacket and leaning his head on his shoulder.
Larry glanced toward the ceiling. "Alright, fine, we can go."
"Oh-kay," Balki said, sitting up, smiling.
"On one condition, though: since I did not agree to this, I can leave when I want even if that means leaving you there. You got that?" Larry reasoned.
"Got it," Balki answered. "It's going to be so much fun!" He went back to the table and continued buffin the cart next to it.
Saturday night. Larry and Balki are standing outside a dive of a night club.
"Balki, are you sure this is the right place?" Larry asked, looking around warily.
"This the address Mr. Gorpley give to me," Balki answered.
"Well, that much makes sense, at least."
Balki grabbed ahold of Larry's arm. "Come on, Cousin, we're missing all the fun!"
"Balki--!" Larry began to protest. He caught a split-second glimpse of a sign just outside the door, as Balki pulled him along, but didn't have a chance to read it.
The building was a true night club, with colored lights and even a stage.
Balki continued dragging Larry along until they reached the bar. While Larry glanced around nervously, Balki turned to the female barkeep. "Have you seen Mr. Gorpley?"
She smirked and pointed to a side door, but said nothing.
"Thank you," Balki said, then pulled Larry along again.
They got inside the door and Larry finally managed to detach his arm from Balki's grip. He rubbed his arm. "Would you stop pulling me around like that? I--" He looked around and saw Gorpley and four other guys changing. His eyes got as wide as they could get and his jaw dropped. Then he remembered how to speak: "What the hell is going on here, Gorpley?"
Balki gave Larry a surprised look. "Cousin, such language."
Larry turned an angry look in his drection. "Not now, Balki, not now." He turned back to Gorpley, awaiting an answer. "Well?"
Gorpley walked up to them, his usual smirk firmly in place. "Oh, did I forget to tell you how we're raising the money, for those poor unfortunates, who happen to be us?" He feigned an apologetic look, then quickly smirked again. "We're going out on that stage. I'll assume you noticed all women out there."
"The point, Gorpley," Larry pressed, angrily.
"Those women are here to watch the seven of us strip. And, hey, they paid good money. Two thousand dollars..." Gorpley said, continuing on about the money.
Balki was still listening to Gorpley, despite not understanding what he'd meant by "strip."
Larry, however, did know and didn't hear anything after. He blinked a couple times, wondering if this was what being in shock felt like.
"This is humiliating," Larry griped.
"But, Cousin, what nice clothings," Balki said, holding the the bag slung over one shoulder.
"Mail carriers," Larry groaned. "Only Gorpley would think of using his buddies' occupation for a strip act."
"Cousin, what means 'strip act'?"
Larry gave him a look, & Balki shrugged. Larry sighed, then leaned in to whisper something in Balki's ear. Balki's eyes got almost as wide as Larry's had earlier.
"Mr. Gorpley didn't tell me that part," Balki said. He turned to Larry. "Do you have a plan to get us out of this?"
Larry smiled. "I always have a plan." The smile fell. "Except this time, I'm afraid that we'd get off the stage, but wouldn't make it past all those women out there without getting torn apart."
"Torn apart?" Balki echoed.
Larry groaned again. "Remember what Fat Marsha did when she invited me to Club Med?" Balki nodded. "Well, that's just one of the things that those women out there would do. The rest would be worse than that."
"Appleton, Bartokomous, get over here! We're going out in two minutes!" Gorpley yelled.
"Balki, I'm feeling light-headed," Larry complained.
"You do'n look very good, either," Balki said.
Larry glared at him. "Thank you." He rolled his eyes. "I just have to stop thinking about it and... Oh, my Lord!"
"What is it, Cousin?"
"What if the girls find out about this?"
"What you mean?"
"I mean, if Jennifer and Mary Anne find out what we're apparently about to do, they may never speak to us again," Larry explained.
"Then we have to get out of here with our clothing on," Balki stated.
"Yes, that would be the idea," Larry agreed.
"Alright, enough yacking and get over there, we're going out in 30 seconds," Gorpley said, first giving Balki a push, then tried to push Larry, but he stood his ground.
"I did not agree to this, Gorpley," Larry said.
"Like that matters now," Gorpley said, that devious smirk still in place. He tried to push Larry again, but he still wouldn't move. "Appleton, I'm almost positive that I can pick you up and carry you over there if you don't move on your own. Who knows, those women out there might like to see that."
Larry cringed. "Okay, okay, just don't say anything else like that." He went over and joined Balki behind the other four guys, as Gorpley went ahead of all of them. Larry leaned closer to Balki. "Not that I want to leave you out there by yourself, but I may faint out there."
"Cousin, you'll be okay," Balki said. Larry gave him one last pleading look before the guys ahead of them nearly dragged them out on stage.
The song "Free Ride" filled the room. Gorpley and his buddies started an obviously at least somewhat practiced act in removing their shirts. This part Balki copied, but tossed his shirt out to the sea of women. Larry was looking anywhere, but out at the women. He glanced around warily and caught the look on Gorpley's face. Grudgingly, he took his shirt off and flung it out to the women. One woman caught it, but another grabbed a sleeve and the two started a bit of tug-of-war over it.
Larry watched the two women fighting over his shirt. Slowly, the fearful look faded, then a grin appeared. He took a quick glance and noticed the others and Balki had already lost their pants, with just their shorts now. This time Balki didn't throw his out to the women, and none of the others had. This made Larry's grin grow just a little more. He flung his bag around behind him and undid his pants, dropping them, then flung them out to the women. And again, he watched as the same two women fought over the garment, only to be joined by a third who he briefly thought looked vaguely familiar.
Then the whistles and hoots began. Larry's brow arched, and he didn't dare look over at the others. He knew atleast Gorpley and his buddies had just lost their shorts and were only left with their bags for cover. But what about Balki? Did he take his shorts off? The thought faded quickly, but for his mental sake, he didn't want to look at him. Then, consideration for taking off his shorts crossed his mind, but dissipated, and as the song ended, he started off stage, quickly.
"Balki!" he called, somewhat quietly. He got to the backroom, shortly followed by Balki.
"Cousin, that was fun!" Balki said, smiling.
Larry swallowed hard. "Yeah, fun."
"I'm glad I wore my shorts with the little sheep on them," Balki commented.
"What--" Larry finally dared a look at him. Indeed, Balki still had his shorts on. Larry sighed and ran a hand over his now beet red face. "Gorpley's never going to let us forget this."
Balki tapped him on the shoulder. "Cousin, why we do'n change into our own clothes and leave while we still have our clothes?"
Larry listened a moment and could still hear the hooting and whistling. "Right, let's find our pants and get out of here."
The apartment door opened and the guys practically fell in, as Larry seemed to push Balki through the door. Larry closed and locked the door after them, amazingly enough not having a hard time with the locks.
Balki, rather clamly, took a seat on the couch. "I had fun." He looked over at Larry, who seemed stuck leaning against the door.
His brow arched. "Fun? Balki," he moved to the end of the couch and knelt next to it, "my ideas of fun do not include taking my clothes off." He paused, considering how that sounded. "At least not in public," he amended, then thought about it for a moment. "I did not have fun." He stood, crossed in front of Balki, and sat on the other end of the couch.
"Cousin, then why you did copy me and throw--?" Balki began.
"Because," Larry interrupted, "well... I got caught up in the moment. Besides, did you see those two women fighting over what I threw? Amazing." A thin smile crossed his lips.
A knock came at the door.
Larry stood. "The only thing I'm happy about is that Gorpley's the only one who knew us there and who would believe him about this?" He opened the door to reveal Jennifer, a neutral look on her face and a rather familiar pair of pants in her hand.
Jennifer shoved them at him and was met with a shocked look. "I won't ask if you don't ask." She turned and started down the hall.
Dazed, Larry did manage to close the door, then turn back toward the couch. "Balki, come over here. I'm think I'm going to faint now."
Balki got up and went over to him Sure enough, Larry slumped and left Balki holding him under his arms.