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*We open at Louie's. Slip is working on a coffee and sandwich at the counter. Sach and Whitey have sundaes and play tiddly winks at a table. Chuck and Butch are in a booth. Chuck has a pad of paper, and Butch is shuffling through music sheets.*
Butch: How's your story coming, Chuck?
Chuck: Not well. Well, it's okay, but I need something else big to show my editor.
Butch: Didn't he love the last story you did, about us finding the money? You and Gabe shared a big headline on that.
Chuck: Yes, but he forgot my name the next day.
Sach: Maybe we could find another wad of money. This time, without an umbrella attached.
Slip: An' end up wit' nutin' left again?
Sach: But Chuckie would have somethin' to write about!
Louie: As long as I get my five dollars, you can find as much money as you want.
Slip: An' I'm sure ya will.
Gabe: *Walks in* Hey, fellas.
Slip: *Waves without turning around* Hiya, Gabe.
Sach: Gabey!
Butch: Hi, Gabe! How're ya doin'?
Gabe: Doing well. Say, uh, have you guys heard about that Charity Auction tonight?
Slip: *Turns* Ain't that the one they're auctioning people fer dates?
Louie: I have. (Smirks) I'm not so sure these guys would sell.
Sach: Why not? I think any woman would wanna date with me!
Butch: Yeah, if they start the bidding at minus five cents.
Slip: *Shrugs* What's yer point, Gabe?
Gabe: The auction needs a few more auctionees.
Chuck: You want us?
Gabe: We need five more guys, and I couldn't think of anyone else that I thought would actually do it.
Sach: I'll do it! (Waves his hand)
Butch: Do you think the girls would mind?
Louie: I'd do it, but I think Mama WILL mind.
Slip: I'll do it.
Chuck: I'm not so sure about this...
Whitey: I'll do it!
Louie: I don't think the girls would mind if you explained that it's only for one night.
Butch: Well...
Sach: Chuck, you could write about it for the paper!
Chuck: I could...
Louie: Weren't you just saying that you needed something to write about?
Chuck: Yes. I just didn't think it would include me. Again.
Butch: So you have to sacrifice for your art.
Chuck: *Shrugs* All right. I guess it couldn't be that bad.
Butch: Then I'll do it, too. How bad could it be? Maybe the girls won't even know.
Gabe: This is great, fellas! I'm going to let them know you're in. I'll see you later! *heads out*
Louie: You know, I almost envy you. It does sound like fun.
Butch: As long as our girlfriends don't find out.
Slip: *Shrugs* So what if they do?
Butch: What about Sally? You know what her temper's like.
Slip: Yeah, I know.
Chuck: And you don't care.
Slip: You got it.
Sach: I think it sounds great!
Butch: Because it's the only way you're going to get a date.
Sach: That ain't true!
Slip: Then why do ya think it sounds so great?
Sach: 'Cause I love goin' onstage an' gettin' to show off, especially in fronta pretty girls.
Slip: You go first.
Sach: Really?
Butch: Yeah. You put on the best show. (Mutters to Chuck) And it'll get him out of the way.
*Chuck nods his agreement.*
Sach: I can't wait to start! This is gonna be great!
Butch: Hey, if it makes a lot of money for charity, that's what matters.
Chuck: Yeah. It's for charity.
Butch: It's probably for the Milk Fund or Orphan's Home.
Sach: (He grabs both guys and hugs them) This is gonna be great!
*Slip just smirks and finishes his food.*
(Fade out on Slip and his lunch. Fade in on backstage at the same theater where "The Play Is the Thing" was set. This time, we see Gabe lead the boys past the back of the sets.)
Sach: Oh boy! This is terrific!
Butch: Yeah...
Slip: Not bad.
Whitey: This is so exciting!
Gabe: The auction should be starting any minute. Does anyone want to go first?
Sach: Me! Me! (Waves both his hands)
Gabe: I should ask. Okay, Sach, you can go first.
Sach: Great! Thanks, Gabey! (Hugs Gabe)
Gabe: Ooof!
Sach: Ok, Gabe, whadaya want me to do out there? Do I have ta take off my clothes or anythin'?
Butch: (Mutters to Gabe) God, I hope not. That would scare all the chicks away!
Gabe: No, Sach. Keep your clothes on. Play to the crowd. Most everyone just picks something they feel comfortable doing to be appealing.
Sach: Ok! I can do that! (He grins) Come on, Gabey! Let's get going!
Gabe: *Shakes his head; mutters* I hope they don't boo him off the stage.
(Cut to the audience. We see Sally, Marsha, Rachel, and Jane make their way into seats directly in the center of the auditorium.)
Sally: I ain't so sure this is a great idea...
Jane: Aw, come on Sal. It's for charity!
Marsha: And think of all those good-lookin' guys we're gonna see tonight!
Sally: How good can they be if they have to be auctioned off?
Marsha: You never know.
Sally: What about Whitey?
Marsha: He'll understand. It's just one date.
Sally: Rachel, what are you going tell Chuck?
Rachel: I wasn't here?
Marsha: Shh! It's starting!
(The house lights lower, and Gabe comes onstage with some papers. He goes center-stage and grabs a microphone.)
Gabe: *smiles at the crowd* Hello, ladies, and welcome to the Bowery Milk Fund Bachelor Auction. I hope you've all brought your largest and most giving purses, as we have quite the selection tonight. And now, let me introduce our first bachelor, Horace DeBussy Jones. *turns to the curtains* Come on out, Sach!
Sach: (He runs out, waving and grinning his head off) Hi there, ladies! Say, you all look like a wonderful crowd!
Sally: (Raises an eyebrow) Sach?
Rachel: Oh my...
Jane: *Her eyes widen* Should we assume they're saving the best for last?
Sally: I sure hope so. They can only go uphill from here.
Rachel: Or else they aren't going to raise a lot of money.
Sach: How would any of you lovely ladies like to go out with a handsome guy like me? (Takes off his baseball cap and knocks on his head) That's genuine Bowery knothead you have there!
Gabe: Okay, ladies, do I hear an opening bid? *gives a pleading look*
Sach: (Opens his jacket and shows off an arm) And check out the muscles! I can whip my weight in chocolate sundaes!
Girl #1: Twenty-five dollars!
Girl #2: Thirty dollars!
*Rachel and Jane exchange surprised looks.*
Girl #1: Forty dollars!
Sach: (Runs across the floor) And I'm fast! I can out-run a taxi on fifth and Canal!
Girl #2: Forty five dollars!
Girl #1: Fifty dollars!
Sally: Fifty dollars? We are talking about Sach here, right?
Rachel: I'm shocked!
*Girl #2 frowns as she starts counting change.*
Gabe: Going once... going twice... Sold to the lovely young lady in the polka dot dress! *turns towards the wings and gives the other guys a disbelieving look*
(The lovely young lady is a knockout brunette in a stylish navy and white polka dot dress. She runs onstage, hands her money to Slip, and walks off-stage with Sach.)
Sach: (Smirks at the guys) Don't wait up, fellas. (As he and the girl walk off together) So, where do ya like to go for your chocolate sundae?
Butch: (Raises an eyebrow) Did I hear what I thought I heard, or did a date with Sach just sell for fifty bucks?
Chuck: That didn't happen. That COULDN'T have happened!
Butch: I think it happened. A gorgeous brunette just walked off on Sach's arm. (Gets on the floor and puts his hand on it) No, hell doesn't seem to be freezing over.
Whitey: I'm going next! *goes over to Gabe*
Gabe: Okay, Whitey, let me go introduce you. *goes back out on stage*
Gabe: Great job ladies, you've got the hang of this already. Now, let me introduce our next bachelor, Whitmore Johnson. *finds Whitey already next to him, holding his hat* Whitey! *shakes his head as he steps off the stage*
Marsha: (Her eyes widen) Whitey! What's he doing here?
Jane: Oh dear...
Rachel: *shrugs* Maybe he just wanted to help.
Marsha: He looks so cute, standing up there...
Rachel: So bid on him.
Marsha: (Before Whitey can say a word) Five dollars!
*Whitey looks over to where the voice came from. He smiles and blushes when he sees Marsha.*
Girl #2: Ten dollars!
*Whitey's blush deepens, hearing another girl bidding on him.*
Marsha: (Frowns) Fifteen dollars!
Girl #2: *A little hesitant* Um...twenty dollars!
Marsha: Twenty-two dollars!
Sally: Twenty-two?
Marsha: That's all the money I have on me!
Gabe: *Looks over to the other girl, then* Going once...going twice...sold! Come on up and collect your winnings!
Marsha: Yay! (She runs up and grabs Whitey) Come on, hon. Let's go out and get a hot dog or somethin'.
Whitey: *Nods* Okay!
*Gabe just sighs as he goes to retrieve his next victim...er, auctionee.*
Gabe: Who's up next?
(Gabe pulls a handsome young man with pale skin and longish dark hair onto the stage. He can't be any older than eighteen, barely older than Butch.)
Butch: Good. I'm not the only kid here.
Chuck: Wait a minute. That's Rachel's younger brother!
Boy: Hey there, gorgeous ladies! Darren is my name, and lovin' is my game! (He starts flexing his non-existent muscles) Which of you ladies wants a date with me?
Sally: Rachel, if one of these women win a date with him, wouldn't it be breaking several child labor laws or something?
Rachel: *Her eyes widen* Yes, it certainly would! *loudly* Fifty dollars!
Slip: *Elbows Chuck* You think she would've opened wit' fifty fer you?
*Chuck just rolls his eyes.*
Darren: (His eyes widen) Rachel?
Gabe: *Shakes his head* Sold! *motions like he gives up*
Rachel: *stomps onto stage and gives Gabe the money; to Darren* What're you doing here?
Darren: A couple of the guys and I thought we'd help charity.
Rachel: Do you really think I'm buying that?
Darren: You just did.
Rachel: Oooohhh! *takes his hand and drags him off stage*
Gabe: *Goes back to the microphone again; ignores what he just saw* Okay, ladies, we still have a few bachelors left to auction off. Our next bachelor is a journalist who I'm sure will one day be running his own newspaper, Chuck Mahoney. *waves him out*
*There's a few seconds of no movement...then Chuck stumbles out, having been pushed. We hear a faint chuckle from Slip. Chuck's eyes scan the crowd. His cheeks start to turn pink. Someone in the crowd lets out a wolf-whistle.*
Gabe: Do I have an opening bid?
Girl #2: Ten dollars!
Sally: Poor Chuck. Someone's gotta get him outta there. Fifteen dollars!
Girl #3: Twenty dollars!
Jane: I'm not voting. I think I see Butch out there.
Girl #2: Twenty five dollars!
Sally: Thirty dollars!
Girl #4: Thirty five dollars!
Girl #3: Forty dollars!
Girl #2: Fifty dollars!
*Chuck's eyes have widened. His face has paled out of shock and surprise.*
Sally: (Turns to Jane) I'm out. I don't have fifty dollars.
Gabe: *Gees the look on Chuck's face* Sold to the young lady for fifty dollars! *leans over to Chuck *mutters* Get off the stage, before you pass out.
*Chuck nods slowly and mutely, then heads for the edge of the stage where the stairs are.*
Sally: Oh, man. I hope she's good to Chuck.
Jane: *Nods* Me too, for his and Rachel's sake.
(A small, young woman in her mid-late 20s hurries up to the stage. She wears a simple purple dress with a red bow on the neck. Her brown hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and she has red flowers on her hat.)
Woman: Hi! I'm Phyllis. I'm glad I finally got one of you guys.
Chuck: *smiles* Hi, Phyllis, nice to meet you.
Phyllis: (Takes his arm) Don't worry. I won't bite or anything. Maybe we can just go someplace quiet on a date.
Chuck: Okay. *pauses* Um...the thing is...I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I joined in to help out and, um...
Phyllis: You're taken?
*Chuck nods.*
Phyllis: That's ok. You're not really my type anyway. Not rugged or scholarly enough. Let's just make this a get-together between friends. I just wanted to win SOMETHING!
Chuck: *sighs* Thank you.
Phyllis: Anytime. You know, I work in a book store. You said you work for a newspaper, right? If you ever need any help with research, maybe I can get you discounts.
Chuck: That'd be great, actually. I've been trying to write something that'll impress my editor for longer than a day.
Phyllis: Come visit me, then! Bring your friends! We're in SoHo, near Little Italy. Really bohemian.
Chuck: I'm going to do that.
Butch: (Smiles at the two) Hey, Chuck. Not bad. She's kind of cute.
Phyllis: (As we hear Gabe talk) Hey, I think they're introducing the next bachelor.
Gabe: *Returns to the microphone* And now our next bachelor is a wonderful musician. He can tickle the ivories with the best of them! Butch Williams.
Butch: (He comes out, waving) Hi there, ladies! I hope you like music, because I'm the best pianist in the Bowery.
Jane: Ten dollars:
dollars!
Girl #3: Fifteen dollars!
Jane: Twenty dollars!
Girl #4: Twenty five dollars!
Jane: Thirty dollars!
Girl #3: Thirty five dollars!
Jane: Forty dollars!
Girl #4: Forty-five dollars!
Jane: (Loudly) FIFTY DOLLARS!
*Girl #3 opens her mouth, but immediately closes it and says nothing when she sees Jane glaring at her.*
Sally: You really want him, don't you? That's most of your salary for the week!
Jane: You'd better believe I do!
Gabe: Sold to the lovely young lady in green!
Butch: (His eyes widen) Janey?
Jane: (She hurries onstage) There's no way I was going to let anyone else claim you!
Gabe: Our next bachelor..
*Gabe barely gets the words out when Slip comes out on stage and moves him from the microphone.*
Slip: Slip Mahoney. Let the biddin' begin.
Girl #4: Three dollars!
Girl #3: Five dollars!
Sally: Ten dollars!
Girl #3: Thirteen dollars!
*Slip's eyes narrow. Why's the bidding so low? And is that Sally in the crowd???*
Girl #5: Fifteen dollars!
Sally: Twenty dollars!
Girl #4: Twenty one dollars!
Girl #6: Twenty three dollars!
Girl #3: Twenty six dollars!
Girl #6: Twenty nine dollars!
Sally: Thirty five dollars!
Girl #5: Forty dollars!
Girl #3: Forty three dollars!
Girl #6: Forty five dollars!
Sally: (Bites her lip; she doesn't have that much money) Forty six dollars!
Girl #5: Forty eight dollars!
Girl #3: Fifty dollars!
Girl #4: Fifty one dollars!
(Sally frowns. She really doesn't have that much money on her.)
*Girl #6 shakes her head. She only had forty six dollars. Girl #3 just sighs. She didn't really want him in the first place.*
(Girl #5 makes a face, but then shrugs. Oh well, she'll get the next one. Hope he's cute, too.)
Gabe: Going once...going twice. Sold for fifty one dollars to the young lady in blue!
(The young lady in blue turns out to be a short, squat, round creature with short, straight mouse-brown hair. She rushes right onto the stage and lifts Slip bodily into her arms.)
Girl #4: Oooh, you're sooo cute!
(Sally nearly falls over laughing. Slip and his ego got what they deserve.)
Slip: Ooof! *coughs, trying to breathe*
Girl #4: We're gonna have so much fun together!
*Slip groans.*
(Cut to backstage. Jane and Butch meet Phyllis and Chuck. Sach and his date join them.)
Sach: Guys, this is Priscilla. We're gonna go feed the pigeons in the park, then have Louie's biggest ice cream soda. Right, sweetie?
Priscilla: Whatever you say, honey pie.
Jane: Butch and I are going to go to a jazz club in SoHo for young people.
Butch: Yeah, I heard they're really hip.
Phyllis: We're going to hit the closest branch of the New York Public Library tomorrow. It's fun, it's free, and it turns out we both like books.
Chuck: *Nods* Yeah.
Marsha: (She and Whitey join them) Hi, gang. We're gonna go out to the movies tonight. I wanna see somethin' really romantic.
Whitey: *Nods* Yeah.
Marsha: I'm so glad I won him. It was worth it. There was no way I was lettin' some other girl get this cutie.
Whitey: *Turns redder than red* Awwww...
Sally: (She grins as she joins them) Did you guys see who ended up with Slip?
Sach: Yeah! She just carried him off, like Tarzan or somethin'!
Whitey: That was kinda funny.
Sally: It serves him right for showing off that oversized ego.
Sach: I wonder how much will be left of him after the date?
Chuck: Not much, if we're lucky.
Sally: I'll talk to him. I really didn't have fifty dollars on me. Hopefully, he'll at least attempt to understand.
Chuck: He won't, Sally.
Sally: Let him stew in his own juices for a while. He'll get over it.
Chuck: He'll stew, then chew me out. *sighs* I'm going to go have a nice evening, because my night is going to be horrible.
(Rachel enters next with the young man she won before.)
Rachel: Hi, fellas.
Darren: Hi there, folks. (Grins at Rachel) Which one is yours, sis?
Butch: Sis?
Rachel: This is my brother, Darren. Darren, this is Sach, Whitey, Butch, and Chuck. *To Darren* Chuck is mine, as you so eloquently put it.
Darren: Yeah. (Grins at Rachel) My big sister was lookin' out for me.
Sally: The protective big sister spent most of her paycheck to keep her brother out of the hands of some hussy.
Rachel: *Folds her arms* I had to do it.
Darren: (Shakes Chuck's hand) Nice to meet you, man. You have the best girl in the world here.
Chuck: Nice to meet you, too. Rachel's said good things about you.
Darren: "Good?" I'm glad she doesn't live with us anymore. She can't hear Mom talking about me.
Rachel: Darren...
Darren: Since they're giving us money for a date, we're going to go walking on Fifth Avenue. (Grins) She's going to window-shop. I'm going to architecture-shop. I'm hoping to go to college for architecture.
Chuck: That's great, Darren.
Darren: I'm going to design skyscrapers someday. Offices, homes, those fancy new malls, theaters (kisses Rachel on the cheek) for my sister to dance in. ;
Rachel: Aw...
Chuck: That's sweet.
Butch: Why don't we all get a move on? Maybe we can even watch the end of this.
Sach: I wish I could have seen the Chief leave, but that chick took off with him as soon as they got off-stage.
Chuck: We'll hear about it all later.
Sally: I'm going to get back to work. I hope you guys enjoy your dates.
Phyllis: Shall we head out, too?
Darren: Yeah.
Marsha: Come on, Whitey. We can even share our bag of popcorn.
Chuck: I've got a few things to look up in the library.
Phyllis: I have work. At least it shouldn't be busy at this time of night.
Butch: Let's get going...before Slip comes back.
Sally: I don't want to be here for that.
*The scene cuts from everyone leaving the room to out in the main hall where Gabe continues the auction and we see everyone head out as we fade.*